Incredible Cases of Revenge and My Solid Opinions on Them by, Emily Adamo

Miranda Lambert has taught me a lot of life lessons in my days. Perhaps the quote, “Can’t get revenge and keep a spotless reputation” applies to my philosophy the most, or, more importantly “Sometimes revenge is a choice you gotta make”. Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to share three of my favorite, funny, occasionally graphic cases of revenge with the public eye of our tubular newspaper. So please, sit back in your chairs. Relax. Revenge is definitely a choice you’ve got to make sometimes. These three cases are sure to demonstrate that and blow your mind along the way.

Case #1: Gnarly Suicide Fail Once upon a couple years ago, in the bustling city of Prague, a husband made the heartbreaking decision to split up with his wife. Delivering the news gave him relief, and hearing the news gave her depression. The wife’s solution to the problem? Suicide. This woman flung herself from the window of a her apartment, many stories high, only to land pretty much unharmed. One might ask, how? Well, in the hundreds of people going about the streets, she happened to crash right on top of her ex-husband, thus, surviving the fall. He didn’t. Now, I’m not condoning suicide or murder in any way, but I’d call that a victory. What makes it even better is that this isn’t her trying to get revenge, the universe did it for her. It’s like revenge-karma. It just really makes the story for me. If this seems too extreme for you, do keep in mind that some people doubt this story, but there are so many articles and reliable accounts of happened that I think it’s possible. And pretty awesome. 📷

I mean, tragic, but awesome. Why else would I choose to write about this story over the hundreds of others I could’ve conveniently browsed on our extremely limited unblocked sites? Awesomeness aside, I really do think this is a fascinating case of revenge. It’s not everyday some crazy action-movie drama happens in real life. On the other hand, it is a real human life, and he probably didn’t deserve to die, even if he broke her heart. But revenge has a funny way of working sometimes. He could’ve been secretly running an international drug cartel on the black market, for all we know. I just recognize, assuming this story is real, that revenge (usually) only happens when it needs to, so this tale is a 10/10 for me.

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Case #2: The Guitar and The Airplane

Now, this isn’t the story of any ordinary guitar. We’re talking about the $3500 guitar of everyone’s favorite- the hip, the cool, the one and only, Dave Carroll. If you’re like me and have no idea who this guy is, he’s some Canadian folk musician that ends up being kind of a big deal in this tale. This story is of a battle between Dave Carroll and United Airlines. Well, United Airlines got themselves into a bit of a pickle when they mishandled and BROKE his guitar on his flight, destroying it. To ask for reimbursement about this expensive issue shouldn’t be a big deal, right? Well, as some of you may know, confronting a large business about a personal problem is about as helpful as asking a head of cabbage to do your homework. Not much gets done. Even if you’re semi-famous. United had the nerve to REFUSE to pay back any of the damage cost. Good thing our Canadian hero decided to stand up for his beloved instrument and get revenge once and for all. He proceeded to produce some of the best music I’ve ever heard by the name of “United Breaks Guitars”. Releasing this glorious trilogy of songs not only gave him satisfaction against the airlines, but also dropped their net worth by $180 million that year!

Let that sink in. One hundred eighty million dollars. Do you know what you can buy for that kind of cash? Over 28,000 live blue swedish ducks, 101,123,595 Oscar Mayer hot dogs, Twenty one thousand hot tubs, the possibilities are endless. Imagine the satisfaction of taking all that away from one special, irritating person in your life. What excellent revenge. So brilliantly snooty. That’s the kind of person I hope to become someday. If I were Dave Carroll, I would be mad if they broke my guitar too, especially if no one was going to help pay it back. That’s why this article spoke to my soul. Canada, guitars, airplanes: now that’s what makes a good revenge story. United Airlines better have better customer service next time. In summary, never stand between a Canadian and his folk music.📷📷

The Mystery Corpse: The year is 1910. The band aid has yet to be invented, and Dr. Hawley Crippen is having an affair behind his wife’s back. When she found out, the wife (Cora Crippen), being the rad and sly woman that she was, ran away not leaving a trace behind. Executing this perfectly left Hawley all alone in a puddle of confusion and regret. Yet, as Jerry Glanville says, “not for long”. Without even knowing what happened to her, Hawley soon began selling all her jewelry, traveling, and stirring the pot in general. Good thing Cora had some true friends who reported his suspicious actions to authorities. Good friends pay off, because guess what the police found? A DEAD BODY in his cellar. Keep in mind, this is the 1910s. Mayonnaise wasn’t even invented yet. There was no technology or medical knowledge to prove this wasn’t her body. All the police saw was a rich cheating husband with a missing wife, and dead woman’s body (which actually ended up being proven as a man’s). Of course in later times Cora’s real body was located and the cellar body remained a mystery, but Hawley was executed for murder.📷📷

If only Cora would have known the universe aligned for her in yet another karma-revenge incident.

Nothing satisfies me more. Not winning races. Not acing quizzes. Not even eating spicy chili with extra beans. Nothing gets me excited quite like a nice revenge story. Maybe because revenge is simply timeless. This took place in the 18th century. “United Breaks Guitars” hit Youtube in 2009. Yet they both fulfill my evil side so perfectly. So thank you Miranda Lambert. Thank you for teaching me that revenge is a choice you gotta make. Whether that means accidentally murdering your ex-husband, fleeing your home, or just writing a smart-aleck song, there’s so much to learn from other’s sweet retaliations.